Hands Clean
by Nanashi911
Summary: The secret double-life for two forbidden lovers throughout the years and the song that inspired it. Eriol and Syaoran shounen-ai.


The moment I heard this song I thought to myself "double-life situation!" and of course with all it's secretive lyrics, one couple came to mind..so here I am writing my first songfic to Eriol and Syaoran throughout their teenage years. This is also home to denial!Syaoran, pressed!Eriol, clueless!Sakura, and blackmail!Tomoyo. I have nothing against Tomoyo, I just needed her to be crafty for this fic so don't hate me Tomoyo lovers. 

(Syaoran) or (Eriol) means the character is singing that line or whatever. 

Disclaimer: Nope, CCS or the song "Hands Clean" is not mine..nope 

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** Hands Clean   
By: Nanashi **

* * *

**(Syaoran)_ If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened  
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself_**

No one would have known. It should have been kept a secret, not even dared upon admitting itself at this point. But it was too late as Syaoran stared in bewilderment at the boy sitting just down the table, calmly explaining himself to the crowd that sat around him serving themselves tea. Sakura sitting next to him asked questions, Nakuru and Suppi beamed across the table, as Kero chimed in the interrogation. But Syaoran could only stare, his expression changing every so often when the dark-haired boy sent a smile his way. He could not believe it still, that all along the person they had been fighting was Eriol, the reincarnation of Clow Reed. And it wasn't that revelation alone that was keeping Syaoran silent and brooding. He had only moments ago confessed himself to Sakura, though he had just now realized who it was he had longed for all along. 

Eriol spoke with all the maturity of a grown man. Even his partner who walked into the room was the grown woman Kaho, who had aided him in his quest to change the cards. Syaoran could barely help himself at the scene. He was sitting next to the girl he thought he loved, next to the boy he was feeling intensely for, and right across from the woman who would soon be taking him away; and it had all happened so suddenly. It was only Eriol's piercing all knowing gaze that kept him rooted to his seat, it was the look of I'll-talk-to-you-later that kept him quiet and subdued in deep thought. Anyone else would have thought he was shocked at all the sudden information filling the air, but it was much more than that. 

Syaoran was steadily growing angry, the more he sat in silence, it was all Eriol's fault. All his fault that he had to reveal who he really was, that he had laid the charms on him all year long and that the pieces had not come together until it was too late. Why hadn't the other boy said something? And why was he, Syaoran, so blinded with jealous rage before where there was nothing but longing now? Why couldn't Eriol have been just another nobody, just somebody he could shake off without a second glance? Why couldn't he just shrug him off the way he did Yukito, the way he could Sakura? Instead this boy was more than that and had already affected his life and heart more than he liked. The need to get something off his chest clung to him heavily but all he could do was wait until he could have a word with his crush in private. 

** (Eriol) _ If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and  
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much_**

"I'm very proud of you Syaoran. You turned out to be more than I could have expected. All the tests and obstacles I flung your way as I challenged Sakura were met bravely, and it was all your training and knowledge on magic that pulled it off. I'd even bet to say that without your help, Sakura would not have advanced as much as she did. With you to help her, my job was much easier." Eriol said later that night, grinning at his descendant. 

Syaoran looked around the lonely garden of Eriol's mansion. He still wore his scowling face but it was no longer because of malice towards his peer. He turned to him, defeat in his eyes. 

"Why?..why did you let me go on? You knew all along, didn't you? What I felt.." Syaoran said with an almost pleading tone to his voice. 

Eriol nodded silently. 

Syaoran balled his fists tightly, "I just confessed to Sakura moments before. All this year I thought it was her I was attracted to, I didn't even notice I started feeling this way when you came to Japan. All this time I was mad, jealous, wary but for all the wrong reasons. First Yue, telling me it wasn't him, and then Tomoyo pushing me on with ideas in my head..and then, then you let me confess to her! Right when I had used a tremendous amount of energy..after nearly falling unconscious. You ran away and left me alone..at a time when I needed to sort out what I was feeling and it all came down to her. But now..after hearing you explain everything back there..I realize.." 

Eriol shook his head and raised a finger to his lips, "Don't do this Syaoran, don't say it..I admit I always felt something for you..I couldn't help it sometimes and I would admittedly flirt with you, but I assure you they were actions I felt remorseful about later. Just forget about me..it can't happen this way. Things have already been set in motion and you are just confused still.." 

But Syaoran did not let him finish. 

** (Eriol)_ Ooh this could be messy  
But you don't seem to mind  
Ooh don't go telling everybody  
And overlook this supposed crime_**

Eriol felt as Syaoran lunged himself at him. Their lips connected fervently and for a moment, what seemed like a desperate longing kiss turned into something more sweet and innocent than Eriol had ever felt before. He could tell, as Syaoran's fingertips traced his jaw lightly, that there was no confusing this feeling. Eriol pried the other boy off of him gently and held him at arms length, gazing into the cherry colored face. 

"I'm so sorry I did this to you Syaoran. This is all my fault." said Eriol, his voice softened as he stroked the other's hair. 

Syaoran leaned into his touch, his eyes misting over. He knew what was coming. 

"We both have ladies, waiting for us. Great women who care for us like no one else. It would be unforgivable to do this to them now. The only solution is to put these feelings aside.." Eriol coaxed but Syaoran shook his head defiantly. 

Eriol grasped his shoulder, gazing into his eyes more seriously, "No one must know about this Syaoran!" 

His descendant turned his head aside frustrated. Eriol became more gentle again. 

"If you care at all for Sakura, do it for her sake. She just had her heart broken by Yukito, whom I thought would have been her perfect match. She can't lose you too, you are all she has left. Do it for her, for your friendship will you?" 

Syaoran's face dropped, he let his head loll in thought. Eriol was right, but there was something Syaoran needed to know. 

"Eriol.." he began, grasping at the other's hands, "I will stay with Sakura and you with Kaho, but just promise me we will meet again." 

Eriol grinned, an appreciative and warm look to his eyes. "Of course Syaoran, I could never live apart from you." 

Syaoran gripped him tighter, a more determined look to him, "And if after a few years I still feel for you what you feel for me, if nothing between us changes..promise me..promise that we will do something about it. No more running away." 

These words caught the wiser mage by surprise, but he softened his astonished features and leaned in to give Syaoran his final kiss in response. 

** (Syaoran) _We'll fast forward to a few years later  
And no one knows except the both of us  
And I have honored your request for silence  
And you've washed your hands clean of this_**

Syaoran stepped briskly out of the airport gate, behind a very excited Sakura. Waiting on the other side were Eriol and Nakuru standing anxiously waiting to meet them. Sakura dashed in their direction and nearly hopped happily as she hugged them all in turn. Syaoran strolled over casually shaking hands and nodding at the people he would be spending the rest of the summer with. His eyes caught Eriol's glint for a moment as they greeted each other and the memories of the letters they had written only months before flooded back into his mind. Eriol had offered Sakura a tour of Europe with Nakuru, and to Syaoran he had extended the offer of broadening his magical skills. It was a chance neither could refuse and so they had made the long trip to the UK. 

Syaoran smiled at his former rival as they walked beside one another out of the airport, en route to the elaborate mansion they knew was waiting for them. It wasn't the first time he had regarded Eriol with respect for being the reincarnation of Clow, the very thing Syaoran had obsessed himself with all his 15 years of life. More than that, Syaoran had grown even more fond of the tall, handsome, boy walking next to him, as he recalled a distant memory making him blush. Eriol smiled back at his descendant, possibly recalling the same memory of a time in their younger days. It was inevitable they would meet again and from the looks they were sharing, nothing had changed. Perhaps the time had come to sort matters out between them. 

"Where is Kaho?" Syaoran asked later that evening after they had all settled in, noticing the lack of her presence. 

"She left me a few years ago." he responded indifferently. 

Sakura gasped as Nakuru nodded her head in support. Syaoran tried to give a pitiful look as he asked what had happened. 

"She went abroad to teach at a highschool. She ended up meeting a tall dark haired boy who swept her off her feet. Well, the rest is history, but really it's ok." He said finishing off his statement encouragingly after the patronizing looks Sakura handed him. 

Eriol motioned for Nakuru to show his guests their rooms, but Syaoran decided to hang around a bit longer. 

~*~ 

"So what's the real reason she left?" He asked keenly when they had retired to the balcony outside. 

"I told her." Eriol replied. 

"About us?" Syaoran prodded on. 

Eriol nodded affirmatively while Syaoran continued. 

"I thought we weren't going to tell our partners?" he said almost incredulously. 

"I couldn't go on lying to her, she noticed my different behavior around her and in an attempt not to insult her intelligence with obvious lies, I just told the truth.." 

"I see.." 

They both turned their gaze to the darkened sky. 

** (Eriol) _You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me  
You're kind of my protégé and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me_**

"I owe you for this, Eriol." Syaoran said abruptly one afternoon as he practiced forms with his sword, "You didn't have to do this for me you know. Mother says I am in your eternal debt, because with this training I can prove by the end of summer that I am worthy to be head of the Li clan. Without you, I might have always stayed in Sakura's shadow, especially after the disappointing loss of Yue's judgment." 

Syaoran paused. 

Eriol stopped sipping his lemonade for a moment to regard his descendant with a knowing smile, "No need, I offered remember?" 

Syaoran stopped and turned to him, the magic circle under his feet vanishing as he stepped up to the spot Eriol had been watching him from. He sat down next to him wiping his brow under the clear sky and humid sun. 

** (Eriol) _I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian  
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it_**

Eriol regarded the boy sitting next to him, a silence had fallen between them as it seemed Syaoran was trying to find the right words to something Eriol knew had been plaguing his thoughts for years. 

Syaoran's eyes briefly swept over the form of his generous host. The way the tip of his straw danced gingerly on his pink lips, the lazy wisps of hair that spilled past his thick lashes, the flawless pale skin that clung firmly to his body all painted a perfect unchanged picture of the person he had fallen for as a young boy. 

Eriol could tell instantly what was running through Syaoran's preoccupied mind. He smiled. Syaoran had grown so much but never lost his wild hair and boyish face. Eriol himself, hadn't aged much physically but it was always unnerving, knowing how old his soul really was. Syaoran at 15, still young, still learning; Eriol with the memories, experience and knowledge of an adult man in a body to match his descendants. 

Eriol wondered for a moment if Yue, his former guardian had felt so confused. Torn between what was right, and what was easy in his false form. Had he ever felt flattered to be idolized by someone younger? Did Yue care? To Eriol it felt good, to be looked upon as an equal and not some pervy old man in a young body. 

Syaoran was staring at him now, straightened up confidently with a determined ring to his voice. 

"That's not all I owe you for.." 

Eriol raised a curious eyebrow even though he knew what was coming from the reddened sheepish look on his guests face. 

** (Syaoran) _Ooh this could get messy  
But you don't seem to mind  
Ooh don't go telling everybody  
And overlook this supposed crime_**

The boys crashed through a spare room door under a fit of hungry kisses. 

"Suppi?" Syaoran mumbled helplessly, kneading into Eriol's lower lip. 

Eriol pulled away briefly, closing the door behind them and then busied himself to Syaoran's earlobe. 

"He went shopping for dinner tonight.." 

Syaoran grinned slyly in Eriol's heated embrace, "And Sakura wont be back until later tonight for dinner, then she will be off with Nakuru to visit France." 

"Good, so we wont be seen or heard.." Eriol assured himself as he maneuvered closer to his mate. 

They sank slowly to the floor missing the bed completely. 

"I never stopped loving you Eriol..all these years.." said Syaoran lowering his head back as Eriol fumbled with the strings of his robes. 

"A long time it's been, Syaoran..we both kept our promises to a degree haven't we?" huffed the spectacled boy as he hovered over his love. 

"No regrets?" Syaoran said cautiously, with one last serious look. 

"None..never.." Eriol responded as he returned a passionate kiss. 

~*~ 

Later that afternoon, as the sun began to set Eriol laid back, his arm around a tired, lazy Syaoran, stroking his shoulder tenderly. Syaoran sighed contentedly into Eriol's bare chest. 

"Will it always be like this?" He asked almost sadly. 

Eriol straightened up to look down at his secret love. 

"What do you mean?" 

Syaoran sat up, drawing his knees up to his chest under the entangled covers of the large bed. He rested his chin against them as Eriol also sat up to stare from his side. 

"I mean..will our love always be secret?" Syaoran elaborated. 

Eriol looked out the window, "Don't you love Sakura?" 

"I will never stop treasuring her, Eriol." Syaoran answered quickly, "You were right 4 years ago, there is a chemistry between us..but.." 

He lowered his gaze sadly, "It doesn't compare to what I feel for you..what we shared just now was the happiest moment of my life. Something I had only dreamed about and now it feels like I have awoken to a somber reality..like my dream will never come to pass again." 

Eriol stroked his back gently, "Dreams aren't meant to last forever.." 

~*~ 

That summer had passed almost blazingly quick. Eriol and Syaoran had spent every spare moment together, but in the end it came time to part and a renewed vow was made between the secret lovers that they would see each other again; meanwhile they would keep in touch with letters. Eriol wished Syaoran luck as he would face his families tests soon, to be proclaimed head of house. Before long they were separated once more. 

** (Eriol) _We'll fast forward to a few years later  
And no one knows except the both of us  
And I have honored your request for silence  
And you've washed your hands clean of this_**

"Engaged at 18? A little young isn't it?" Eriol inquired at the blushing and ecstatic Sakura. 

"We considered it carefully, but we feel it was inevitable. I know I have made the right decision and my family supports it all the way." She responded from the couch on the opposite side of the coffee table, giving her fiance a squeeze of the hand and a bright smile. 

Tomoyo strode through the living room of the Daidouji mansion and sat down next to her best friend. 

"I'm so happy for you Sakura-chan! I always knew this day would come." she offered, cupping a gentle hand over her friends. 

"I was hoping.." Syaoran began but corrected himself shortly, "WE, were hoping you would be our best man.." 

Eriol smiled as best he could under the circumstances, the news was a total surprise to him and not a very pleasant one at that. 

"You've always known my answer to any request of yours, Syaoran-kun." 

There was a tension in the air between them, after the brief pause. 

"So! When is the fateful day?" Eriol resumed, lightening the air with a false cheer in his voice. 

"Next week," Sakura beamed. 

"I suggested they get on with it as soon as possible naturally." Tomoyo chimed in, a look of triumph playing on her face. 

"We are waiting for Syaoran's family to fly in and we have made accommodations for you too Eriol! Oh, I do hope you can stay with us..surely you don't have to return so soon?" said Sakura, a hopeful tone to her. 

Eriol shot Syaoran a look of disbelief, "Of course I can stay." 

~*~ 

"How could you do this Syaoran?" Eriol fumed later that night at a cafe. 

"Don't pin this on me! You were the one who begged me to keep Sakura so long ago remember?" scowled Syaoran as his spoon swirled in his tea cup. 

"I didn't mean for you to go and get married, at least not so young..there is no getting out of this now!" Eriol rebuked his relation crossly. 

"Well..I wasn't exactly expecting this to happen myself." Syaoran admitted, hiding his eyes. 

Eriol noticed, "What happened?" 

Syaoran sighed heavily, "Tomoyo found out." 

Eriol's eyes widened, "How!?" 

Syaoran took a deep breath and explained how Tomoyo had found a half finished letter one day rummaging around in his drawer for a pair of socks Sakura had asked her to retrieve. 

"So she questioned me about it, she knew of course, being as sharp as she is. I couldn't lie to her, it would only make things worse..so.." 

"So she blackmailed you then?" Eriol nearly stated in shock. 

"It was more of an ultimatum. Marry Sakura and forget about you, or tell Sakura the truth of what has been going on all these years. Her, her family, my family.." Syaoran buried his head in his hands. 

** (Eriol) _what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?  
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?  
what with this distance it seems so obvious?_**

"So is that it? Is this the end?" Eriol asked. 

Syaoran did not respond, his hands still covered his face. 

"I waited for you Syaoran, I kept my promise..I thought.." 

"Well you thought wrong. I'll be married soon..there is no 'us' anymore, there can't be." Syaoran responded in a voice of finality. 

"I can't take that as an answer!" Eriol nearly bellowed. 

Syaoran grasped his shoulders shaking him slightly, "Just forget about me, the same way I have to learn to forget about you!" 

Eriol shook his head, the scene so familiar to him, "We still have a week left, don't give up now Syaoran..this never stopped us before!" 

"It's different now.." Syaoran stated, rising out of his chair in a gesture of departure, "I'm sorry..Eriol.." 

He threw some coins on the table paying for both their meals and turned to exit the cafe, leaving a stunned and hurt Eriol behind. 

~*~ 

The rest of the week went by painfully slow. Every moment between them seemed to be imprinted in Eriol's mind. Syaoran became more distant, while the girls became more excited and anxious. 

Syaoran's family from China arrived in an impressive display of festivity with all the props and elegant gowns they brought along. This was obviously a big occasion now that their head of house was getting married. 

Yelan greeted both her son and Eriol respectively, recognizing them as the top of their clan. Sakura she lavished with gifts and praises, proud to keep the pure, magical, Clow-Reed bloodline going in the family. Syaoran was a better actor than anyone could have expected as he performed all the simple loving acts Eriol had experienced only a few years ago. The way in which he held Sakura's shoulders tenderly from behind, the grazing of the hands, or touch of fingertips. A brief kiss or two, or slight lean into each other marked the signs of a thriving and happy relationship. The smiles never faltered on either of the fiance's faces unless Syaoran's eyes happened to rest on Eriol's for only fractions of a second. Then it was as if nothing had ever happened between them, as Syaoran went back to entertaining his family with stories of his youth. The troubled days between him and his future wife, and the training he underwent to become to the head of the clan, with a few modifications to the story of course. To anyone it seemed like such a normal magical life for the Chinese boy, but Eriol knew the truth among the crowd and as much as Syaoran's eyes hid the pain, one other person knew the true history between them. 

~*~ 

"It was never meant to be, was it?" Tomoyo mused the day before the wedding as she flipped through some bride's maid accessories. 

Eriol threw her a dignified look of confusion, behind his selection of neckties "You and Sakura you mean?" 

"Don't be daft Eriol.." she snapped mildly as if suddenly offended, "you know what I meant. I see the way you look at him still, it's so obvious. The farther you are apart from him the more you want him." 

Eriol shrugged. 

"All my life I worked to see that Sakura would be happy. She has found love and I wont let that be ruined." she smirked uncharacteristically. 

"Look what the years have done to you Tomoyo. Your loss of Sakura has turned you bitter. So I guess it has come to If-I-can't-have-her,-you-can't-have-him sort of attitude then?" Eriol taunted cynically. 

"Syaoran has too much on his plate to let it all go to waste, Sakura's trust is riding on him, I wont have him ruined because of you!" she sneered. 

"Too late for that isn't it? Syaoran had more then Sakura's trust riding him a few years back." Eriol responded victoriously, setting his things down and leaving behind a glaring Tomoyo. 

** (Eriol) _Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family  
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse  
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly  
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body_**

"Run away with me.." 

Syaoran turned to Eriol, "What?!" 

Eriol advanced on him, taking his wrists up firmly in his hands, "Just you and me, right now, you don't have to do this! I know you don't really want to." 

"Keep it down we might be heard! You know my family is prowling this house.." Syaoran hissed, snatching his wrists back. 

Eriol leaned in on him, lowering the shorter boy down into his bed. He caressed a curious hand down the perfect frame of the boy he loved for so long. 

"You haven't changed.." Eriol whispered soaking up the image of the barely clad Syaoran beneath him, "and your feelings for me haven't changed either, no matter what you say." 

Syaoran, nearly giving in to his aggressor's sweet touch, pulled the other off of him and resumed to smoothing out his collared shirt and arranging his bowtie in front of the mirror. 

"We've been over this..and you are supposed to be helping me get ready." Syaoran huffed impatiently now stuffing on his pants and adjusting his cuffs. 

Eriol wrapped his arms around the groom from behind, taking a waft of the expensive cologne on his skin. 

"That's what I'm trying to do.." he purred, "helping you get ready to leave this place with me." 

There was a mischievous grin on Eriol's determined lips, a very different expression from Syaoran's annoyed face. 

"And where would we go? It wouldn't be China, England or Japan you know! There is nowhere for us, which is why my place is here..with Sakura." 

Eriol grimaced at Syaoran's pessimistic attitude, "We could go to the United States. In some parts, even accepted for who we are..no more hiding." 

Syaoran furrowed his eyebrows, a memory sweeping back into his mind. He hung his head low for a moment trying to push the constant thought away. 

"_And if after a few years I still feel for you what you feel for me, if nothing between us changes..promise me..promise that we will do something about it. No more running away_...isn't that what you said yourself..in that garden when we were 11?" Eriol reminded Syaoran gently. 

"You were so young and desperate, and I..always the mature one trying to think straight, trying to satisfy everybody's interest, excpet our own. How stupid I was..but you..you were always right." 

Eriol's voice had gone low, remorseful as he spoke. Syaoran had not lifted his head, but he heard every word. 

"I was happiest, that summer..when I was 15. You were training me..in more than one way." Syaoran allowed himself a simple chuckle as Eriol smiled wistfully behind him, "But I guess I always knew..the dream would end." 

Eriol flipped the boy around to face him, gazing steadily into his bright amber eyes, "It doesn't have to end! I was wrong..so wrong! It's up to you now Syaoran..do you want to hang on to that dream? We can make it come true, right now!" 

Their eyes met and the world seemed to stop spinning as Syaoran pondered the answer to his question... 

~*~ 

Syaoran looked out the window, it was raining heavily but despite the gloomy mood outside, his heart was racing with his stomach tying in knots to add to the effect. 

He fidgeted with the ring on his finger nervously as he paced back and forth, waiting for his most important person to burst through the doors. All eyes were on him, as people whispered among themselves in their seats. 

The Chinese boy, dressed in his finest attire, checked his watch one last time..he didn't know what was taking so long and the suspense had him nearly sweating. Maybe something went wrong? 

Suddenly Eriol came bounding up to him, suitcases in hands and bags on his shoulders. Syaoran rushed up to meet him, as the people at the airport terminal continued eyeing the flashy pair oddly. 

"Did you get everything? Did anyone see you? Mother? Sakura?" Syaoran interrogated, buzzing about him anxiously. 

Eriol shook his head, "No one saw. I've got the last of it, no loose ends left. I'm just glad I'm not late." 

The flight to New York was announced and people began filing into their gate, towards their plane. Syaoran nudged Eriol on the side. 

"They keep staring at us.." Syaoran whispered warily. 

Eriol grinned, "It's not everyday you see a groom taking off somewhere with his best man, in full wedding attire is it?" 

Syaoran puffed at his bangs shaking off the last bit of nerves plaguing him. 

"No regrets?" Eriol asked. 

"Hmm?" Syaoran asked absently into the air missing his question. 

"No regrets, not telling your family, not telling Sakura, Tomoyo probably hunting us down already, etc?" Eriol added. 

Syaoran raised his eyebrows scandalously, "You mean if I mind getting disowned, leaving my closest friends behind, ditching my innocent fiance at the alter, and going to another country all for the sake of staying with the man I love?" 

Eriol nodded. 

"I'll think about it.." said Syaoran with a wink. 

Eriol twirled the ring on his finger as his lover passed by him, boarding the plane. A broad smile spreading on his face, he followed him, without a last look back at the Japanese airport. 

** (Eriol and Syaoran) _Ooh this could be messy and  
Ooh I don't seem to mind  
Ooh don't go telling everybody  
And overlook this supposed crime_**

~ Owari 


End file.
